As I am autograph this on February 23rd 2008, some of my accompany are aggressive it out on the arduous chase advance of the Ironman Langkawi, Malaysia. It is a 3.8 km swim, 180 km bike and 42 km run event. It is not an accessible affair to accomplish, and it takes audacity to alike annals for it.
I did, in fact, put my name on the participants' account and paid the aboriginal bird fee of US$150 (regular fee is US$500 for Malaysians). Yes, US$150 to ache myself for 17 hours!
However, I didn't about-face up at the starting line. Today I am actuality tucked abroad in my fresh home in Borneo affected to watch Ben 10 on Cartoon Network and accept to 'Winnie the Pooh Dance Revolution' played over and over afresh on Youtube.
Scarlett, my triathlon bike (yes, my bike has a name) is still unpacked from her box. My cycling jersey and tights accept apparent added acceptable days. And aftermost week, I assuredly hit the basin afterwards a six months hiatus, pond a beggarly 600m.
You can say, I've now retired from triathlon. Here's why:
When I absitively to do triathlons, I had article to prove. I was a wallflower, addition with low self-esteem. I capital to appearance that I don't accept to be loud, abhorrent and an absorption affliction for bodies to anticipate awful of me. It was all about me and my insecurities. Me, me, me ....
At aboriginal it was alone about proving to bodies that I can do triathlons. However, afterwards commutual my aboriginal Olympic ambit tri, my goals transfigured into article different. Article added advancing and ugly.
It was now about respect, and about ego.
"I can't let her exhausted me," I would say to my hubby. Or "Can you adjourn activity to the appointment for a few hours afterwards I complete my Saturday ride?"
I would go on and on about annihilation but swim, bike, run. To my colleagues, to my friends, to my family. Annihilation else.
It was axis into an obsession. And I was acceptable very, VERY selfish.
Oh, how they charge accept buck with me ... putting on a appearance of interest, back it fact, I apathetic them to death.
After commutual such a antic accident that not abounding bodies in Malaysia participate in, or accomplishing boxy rides that alone batty bodies would anytime do, article central me angry uglier.
It fabricated me into a arrogant person.
"Oh, attending at her," I would say to myself. "Could she complete a triathlon? Could she anytime survive cycling for 140 km beneath the hot sun? Could she run the backbreaking 20km Hartamas route?"
Or if addition were to piss me off, I would animate myself by thinking: "Chill babe, you are added acceptable off than him. Could he annoyance his apologetic ass off his bed afore aurora on Sunday to ride the arresting advance from hell??"
Triathlon, in part, is a action of egos for some.
I was anticipation bodies by their able-bodied worth. I was apathy that some bodies did abounding added abundant things that did not crave any concrete accomplishment but instead crave able brainy architecture and a authentic heart.
I was all set to alternation for the Ironman until article happened. Something, that sparked admonishing accretion in my head. I assuredly saw myself as how others were seeing me. And I saw how alarming some attraction can be.
So from again on, my bike stood acquisition dust in my abundance allowance for days. Canicule angry into weeks. And weeks angry into months.
There is one affair I didn't affliction from entering triathlons, is that I accept met abounding people, some of them angry out to be absolute acceptable friends.
Last January, bedmate asked me what our affairs would be in May.
"May? No plans," I had said.
"But what about Bintan triathlon?" he had asked, puzzled.
"Bintan? Forget it. Let's save our money for the Gawai holidays. We'll go to Sabah or something."
Hubby was a bit disappointed. "But .... why??"
"Why? Do you appetite me to be the bedeviled actuality that I was, talking about bathe bike run all the time. Annihilation else? Do you appetite me to be bad-tempered whenever I absent a training session? Do you appetite me to get affecting whenever I accomplishment my chase beneath my ambition time? Do you appetite me to get pissed back so-and-so exhausted me and I was fabricated fun because of it?"
"Well ... you don't accept to booty it seriously. Aloof do it for fun," he said.
"I aloof don't appetite to be bedeviled anymore."
"The botheration with you is that you cannot abstracted the allotment about accepting fun and actuality competitive."
"I know, and I don't anticipate I anytime will."
We larboard it at that.
And now abounding months later, I feel that I accept advance to the point that I don't charge to do things to prove myself to people. Aftermost year was all about me, me, me. My ego, my obsession, my insecurities, my charge for respect.
This year, I achievement for things to be different. It's activity to be about others.
But still, I should ameliorate and accumulate Scarlett. I'm starting to absence her. Cycling about the adjacency is not such a bad idea. I'll apparently do it. For fun.